Post Op Depression

I have read countless journals on emotions right after surgery. And yes, everything is about insane happiness. Who wouldn’t be happy, right? Anybody who has waited too long, slaved long hours to earn the money and dealt with dysphoria almost their whole life has the right to feel ecstatic, regardless of how gory or gross the immediate results might look. Heck, I think it’s why most people forget about post-op pain.

On the other hand, I have also read on distress a few days after surgery due to the results not looking ideal, little things you notice which does not seem right or the feeling of loss.

It’s actually one of the things that I was scared of experiencing because I know myelf when depressed. I lose sight of everything and just want to stay in bed. Sadly, I think I am getting there.

One, coursing through the days knowing the stage is still delicate makes me become cautious of everything. And I do not like being cautious. I just want to be able to do anything and knowing I can’t push myself  just sucks.

Two, going to the gym is part of my routine. The way I treat my training is always to perfection. There is a fixed schedule, there is a zone I go to which is permanently embedded in my brain and it is one of the things my life revolves around in. It is this extreme that if I end up missing training, I also miss a day of work. That’s how I demotivated I get.

Three, there are weird things about the results that are surfacing slowly. I know I can only see them in close up and nobody can really notice unless pointed out. I have written about the assymmetry and this morning, one of the internal stitches came out and when I pulled it out (yup, the surgeon said it was okay) there was a hole there. And not just a hole. It was the actual incision line that opened up. I have used steri strips (again) to try and close it up, hoping the skin hasn’t regenerated fully so it can still fuse up.

I wish this would all just go away. This is the lowest I have been since surgery but visually, it still looks perfect. That’s the consolation. Maybe I just need to ignore the small thing or stop trying to notice the smallest details.

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